The missing parcel

I am an emotional wreck. Listen to this tale of the missing bithday parcel and how Holland will never make it into the internet age:

Saturday: we return from town to find a yellow card with orange logo in our postbox stating that Moronic Parcel Company (not their real name) has tried to deliver a package for the Royal Mail; they will call back on Tuesday between 12 noon and 4pm.

What happened to Monday, I ask myself. Moronic, it turns out, doesn't deliver on Mondays.

Tuesday: Bud's at home all day, leaving only at 4.30pm. No parcel delivered.

Wednesday: I ring the number on the yellow card. After five minutes, a laconic sounding individual picks up the phone:

Moronic: "There was nobody in at your address on Tuesday."

JJ: " Yes there was, the whole day till 4.30pm. No parcel was delivered."

Moronic: "There was nobody in. The parcel's not on my list. I can't tell you where it is and the man's out now delivering. You'll have to ring back tomorrow."

JJ: "This is ridiculous. I'm going to put in a complaint to Major Global Internet Bookstore."

Moronic: "Go ahead and do that. We can't do anything if no-one's in when we call." JJ: "But.." Moronic: SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN!!

JJ to telephone receiver: "My G, she's slammed the phone down on me..."

In shock, I go on to the internet, mail Moronic's customer service and sales departments (Sales might as well know what a hopeless task they're facing, trying to sell this as a service) and shoot off a mail to my brother - the sender - asking him to put in a complaint to Wampazon. Which he dutifully does.

I ring Moronic's customer services number. I'm just about to give up when they answer. It's a real human being at the other end with a pleasant telephone manner. What a relief. Obviously not employed by Moronic. She listens to my tale of woe, looks in her computer and finds that there is no parcel from the Royal Mail listed for my address. They only have one from Deutsche Post and it's recorded as having been delivered on Friday.

Hmm, where is this damned parcel. This is beginning to feel like theft...

Customer Service lady says she'll ring the depot (that's the number I rang) and get back to me. On the subject of the Moronic employee who slammed the phone down, she agrees that "it's not the best advertisement for Moronic":

"You do find that some colleagues are more client-oriented than others," she said.

You can say that again, I think, marvelling at this woman's diplomatic skills and professional approach.

Two hours later: Customer Services lady rings back to say that the parcel has been found (phew), and will be delivered for the last time on Friday between 12 noon and 6pm, after which, it will be returned to the Far East.

You must be kidding, I think. We weren't in on Tuesday, how can you send the bloody thing back to FE?

PAUSE: I have a lunch appointment and must go. Tale to be continued later today!