Down

Bud tells me he spent all day thinking positive thoughts about me today, sure I'd get the job. Congo had her fingers crossed for me and sent an encouraging e-mail. And I probably did do all right. But I doubt it. I've come home feeling dejected and downcast - as though I'm too old, too dull, too introverted for the post. (I had a job interview today, for those of you who didn't read yesterday's blog post). I KNOW the girl who first invited me to go for the job thought I was about ten years younger. I still don't look my age. You can't hide it when your CV starts back in the '70s - the employment history bit, I mean. But I came away feeling that they were looking for two very different people, all wrapped up in one: an extrovert who can arrange 'fun' campaigns to win everyone over and a introvert who can write for internal and external publication. It feels like I fit perfectly for one half and like a square peg in a round hole for the other. That old 'wrong again' feeling; a real let-down after all the time I spent preparing this weekend. (Even if I do have a nice new jacket to show for it).

The guy asked me if I was creative. I'd asked myself that question this weekend. I'm creative in theory but in fact, my creative side doesn't see the light of day that often. When someone asks me that question directly, there's a voice echoes in me somewhere in the dark recesses, saying, "no', 'No', "NO' - like a gong sounding at the end of a long empty corridor in a cold, Victorian house. Naturally, I said 'yes', immediately and proceeeded to explain that I have an eye for a good photo (well, that's a bit creative, jj) and that I'd thought up some ideas - which I told him - of how to devise educative activities for management offsites. But somehow, both at the time and now when I write about it, I didn't manage to convince myself that this was really creative. So it'll be amazing if I convinced him.

I feel dull and jaded. And poor Buddy, who was feeling so happy for me, has joined me in this gloomy pit.

And now, jj, pull yourself together and get on with your next course assignment, girl, before you completely screw that up as well....